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Bukki Duanne

What Line After Online?

Gone are the days when we’d stare at people’s lips move as they spoke (the days are still here, we just don’t look at lips). Come to think of it, how often do you make informal phone calls, you know, to your peeps? Do people even do this anymore? All I seem to hear is how uncomfortable it is to have a conversation over a call and how much better it is to text because it can be responded to whenever. It has become quite the mind fuck to me. When did you last have an informal conversation over a phone call? Think about it for a second. No, seriously, pause, think about it, you’ll find me right where you left off. So, how often do you do it? Not calling has almost become the new “norm” nowadays. You’re disqualified from the running most times if your first order of business is to call once you get her number. What do they call it again? Oh, yes, too extra.

You’ll most likely be told “app me” at the point of exchange. If that’s not shocking enough, you get business meetings happening on WhatsApp. Yes, actual meetings that would’ve happened over a conference call somewhere in one of those fancy board rooms (they’re probably re-purposed to TV or game rooms now) . The amount of stuff I’d miss out had I worked for such a company would be ginormous (I’d probably not even get the WhatsApp text calling me for the interview, let alone others seeing as the closest I get to “WhatsApp” is “what’s up”). Whatever happened to the autonomy of calling? Now, away from the stray rambling and back to what got us here. Yes I’m keen on expanding my horizon and interacting with different mindsets. Like anyone else, I like stimulating my mind with new perspective. And yes, I’ve taken an actual interest in wanting to know human beings. You’d think it’d be as easy as grabbing drinks, laughing the evening away and getting lost in the moment. But noooo, you’ll be given all the reasons why you can’t meet; someone will even tell you they’re cleaning the fridge

and they don’t even have a fridge. (Say it in a Nigerian accent like I did). Another will tell you how their cat likes to play hide and seek between 6:00 and 6:15 so they can’t meet you at 7:30. You see, I’m all about bonds but I’m old school, I just don’t see how these can be formed online, eh, really, I don’t (Read in Zulu accent). All the internet of things has to offer is a back arched so far back to create the illusion of a round ass. Even someone whose knee is bigger than their ass have an ass that leave you questioning the paths you walk. Oh and I haven’t forgotten our dear guys who flash money, unopened booze bottles (that they saved 6 months to buy and still had to be topped up money) and take photos with cars they can’t afford even in their wildest dreams. There’s also our dear loaners who spend most their time in a cubicle somewhere alone slaving to make their monthly car payment (keep in mind they live in a ka small bedsitter somewhere in Roysambu).

They’re probably the same ones who cut the toothpaste tube after putting water and shaking shaking it, not wanting to believe it’s finished because pesa iliishia fuel. Where this has reached now I’m honestly waiting for a wedding to happen via Skype – the bride somewhere taking insta stories and selfies, the groom somewhere else looking at short skirts passing by and the pastor somewhere else cooking up the next 310 Kanyari spin off. Or a presidential campaign where the president is lounging on a beach chair somewhere in the Cayman Islands, smoking cohibas while preaching how he’ll revamp the country and do things irrelevant to the well being of the common mwananchi. I get that most of the world is online now and most of the things are done online, hell, I do 85% of my stuff online, so I know (I mean, look at where we are right now). We’re bound to meet a lot of people online because that’s become our market place, our soccer pitch, our kati grounds and all. This isn’t to mean that that same line will keep you relationship going on. We shouldn’t have to meet just at funerals and graduations, see each other only on insta live, hear our people’s thoughts over that loud ka twitter over there. In the wise words of the self converted monk, “Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misunderstand or misinterpret what other people mean.”

Remember, it should be arbitrary to logic but unique to you.

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