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Ms. Atieno

What matters more DTR (Defining The Relationship) or emotions and support?

I really need honest responses and if possible your own relationship experiences.

I knew a man since we were in college. After we continued to be friends but we always had some chemistry and we ‘liked’ each other.

I thought he was kind of cute and I always felt he was nice, hardworking and will always achieve what he was working towards.

He wasn’t rich, several girls turned him down and there were moments he really struggled. I was always there for him and really cared for him. I could always see him growing into an amazing man even when no one else acknowledged it. And that he did.

We got older and the relationship took on a sexual dimension as well. I was a support to him and was always there for him as sometimes he needed money -and no I am not rich, I am still at the same humble job I had.

There were feelings of care, need and sometimes we made love and not just sex to get our rocks off, but truly it was never said ‘you are my boyfriend or girlfriend’. We were just in some bubble.

One day I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back. I didn’t mind because in my last relationship I said it and believed it after my partner was already in that space. He said it first.

He suddenly started making many promises that he didn’t keep. I noticed the presence of a certain woman in his life that coincided with the change.

We had a disgreement about how he was treating me now that he is a ‘superstar’.

I talked to him about the other woman, but he denied being with anyone else. He doesn’t love me but claims to feel some ‘deep feeling’ he can’t describe and that despite everything we never really DTR’d…

He and I are not ‘intimate friends’ anymore but it is I who seems to be hurt and taking the loss of the whole almost decade long friendship badly.

Did I honestly just waste my life? Was I just used all along? Or can feelings just die when he met this other woman that suited him better?(In my opinion I am woman enough to accept that she does).

Please advice because I have learnt a bit that I should also ask a man what he wants from me although he can always lie…

Thank you.

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